losingmy_mind

ok can anyone help me with this? recently my glands have been REALLY swelling due to constant purging and i don't know how to get rid of it. i can't stop the purging b/c i'm stuck in this habit but i don't want the swelling either because i'm paranoid that it's making my face look fat. HELP!!!!

i haven't updated in a while but i just really need to vent. i woke up this morning and it was a bad start from the beginning = ( i had a little bit of food, telling myself that i was going to stop after a taste...then it led to me telling myself that i'd just purge it out afterwards. so i gorged and gorged and then when i tried to purge, NOTHING came out. i tried everything...water and then jumping around. then milk and jumping around and tried again. only a little came out and i KNOW that there's still loads of calories inside..so even though i took 3 laxatives last night, i took 4 more just now. does anyone know if laxatives prevent the body from absorbing calories/fat even a little? i don't know what's wrong with me. i haven't had a problem purging for years. i'm panicking that this binge will ruin everything i've tried so hard for. i have a headache and my stomach and throat hurt. and my finger is numb and raisined. this fucken sucks.

i ate way too much today. and way too much salt. so i'm going on 3 day, gum and water fast. let's see what this will do. someone do this with me!

i kept a half a banana, a sponge cake, some soup, and tea down today. what i didn't keep down was: a lot of fried potatoes, more sponge cake, bread, other cake, and lunch. i don't know how i feel about that until i weigh myself tomorrow morning. i went to the bathroom today! i thought "keep on going and going" meant a LOT but it was actually just long ones. lol. anyway, i should be lighter tmrw. hopefully. and if i'm not i'll just..not eat anything.

damn i must be considered obese compared to everyone else on these communities. they're like 110 and taller than me and they think they're humongous. i'm like 130 and 5'7" and i thought i was just chubby. i look in the mirror and some days i feel fat and some days i feel skinnier. i wish i had a stable view of myself every day. i mean, which days tell the TRUTH?

Today. I ate a banana, kept that down, drank some milk, kept that down. ate another banana, that came back up. ate some barbeque, ate a wafer, took a shower, came back up in there, baked a cake, ate some, got rid of that too, ate more cake and some more barbeque, that came up too, ate some shrimp and more barbeque and some rice, it all came back up. fuck. that's what i've been doing all day. i started this telling myself i would stop after i lost some weight...and the craziness hasn't stopped ever since. funny thing is that part of myself still doesn't consider me "bulimic". i don't know how to explain it. i don't even like saying the word. each day, it's harder and harder to keep my food down, especially when i'm at home. some days i tell myself i need to stop the insanity; other days i find myself taking pride in my "secret" that enables me to "eat so much and never gain weight". If only they knew.